Dicking Around
by wildsky
Summary: She's heard the theory of penis envy. After spending a few days contending with one, Cadman doesn't buy it. Set during 2.04. Duet.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own 'em (unless they're originals). Please don't sue me. It's so not worth it.

**Dicking Around**

**by Wildsky**

When Rodney's in control Laura feels... disembodied. It shouldn't be surprising; after all, it is Rodney's body and not hers. Still, there are some differences that feel downright weird even from a distance. A new centre of gravity, new hair, new reflexes.

A new appendage.

Laura's been on the receiving end of jokes from the male of the species – particularly the Marine variety – ever since she joined the USMC. Penis envy, they liked to call it. Jealousy that she was only a girl, not as big or as tough as the boys. It's funny that now, in a roundabout way, she's as well-endowed as any of the guys who'd thought having a dick gave them some kind of superiority over her and you know what?

Laura just isn't seeing the up-side. No pun intended.

It... hangs there. It feels heavier in that area than it should and she doesn't think it's all that comfortable. She knows all it would take is a kick to the groin to send McKay down for the count.

When it comes time for Rodney to visit the bathroom, the scientist baulks, blathering about how long he can hold it and oh God, what if they never fix this and he hasn't wet the bed since he was three! Laura promptly bursts out laughing in his head.

"Rodney," she reminds him, "I see through your eyes. If you don't look at it, I can't either. Just do it, okay?" Laura deliberately doesn't mention the fact that basic hygiene will eventually require him to shower. She's not sure she can handle the hysterical meltdown that will result.

Nevertheless, Laura is distantly aware of the sensation of urinating through an unfamiliar body part. She knows she's standing up when she usually sits down. The experience is surreal. Who is she kidding? Everything from the moment she and McKay were beamed out of the dart into one body has been surreal.

Laura doesn't comment as McKay tucks himself away and washes his hands. She can feel his embarrassment, his resentment of being forced to do such a private thing with someone else in his head. Laura doesn't know that she'd have been any better if their positions had been reversed. She's shed a great deal of modesty in the communal showers at the Academy and on the battlefield over the years but there are still some things you don't do in front of others if you can help it.

It's a ridiculous time of night when McKay finally gives in to exhaustion after hours of counselling and scientific theory and snarking and Laura has her chance to slide into the driver's seat. She wanders around at first, inviting Carson on a double-date and catching up with Jennifer, who looks a little nonplussed about engaging in girl-talk when Laura is not anatomically a girl at the time.

It's Laura's nightly run which causes problems. McKay is in what might pass for half-decent shape in a corporate environment. He can sprint short distances without any problem but protracted exercise makes him puff and wheeze and blow like a steam locomotive. He's not an athlete by any definition and running as a man turns out to be another odd experience.

McKay... bounces. Laura isn't used to moving with a small banana and two apricots swinging between her legs. Sure, breasts jiggle when you run but a good bra generally takes care of that problem. She has to stop several times to adjust herself, cursing Rodney's preference for boxers. She gets surprised looks from quite a few people who are out and about before she finally calls it quits and retreats to her quarters.

Laura debates whether or not she should strip Rodney down before she bites the bullet and decides that since McKay is still asleep – she can hear the slumbering hum of his mind in the background – it won't hurt to be comfortable so that she can join him. His clothes are quickly tossed aside and Laura figures what the hell, right? She might as well get it over with before she goes to bed.

It's strange to see a penis from this angle. McKay has a bit of a paunch she has to work around to view it properly but she doesn't dare touch it. Going for a run and talking to Carson is one thing. Playing around with someone else's genitals without permission is plain creepy and Laura refuses to go there. Her curiosity satisfied, she stretches one last time for the sake of McKay's muscles, and falls into bed.

The next afternoon, after what McKay calls her 'crazy body-jacking stunt', Laura finally points out that they don't smell as fresh as they ought to. McKay argues with her for a solid twenty minutes before conceding that they need a shower. He's furious with her for taking advantage of him while he was sleeping and taking great pains to hide his body from her as he shuffles into the bathroom, ignoring the fact that Laura has told him flat-out that she's seen it all.

"Oh come on!" Laura finally protests. "Don't try to tell me that if this had gone the other way and we'd been stuck in my body that you wouldn't have taken a peek!"

"That is totally beside the point!" McKay snaps and she notes that he hasn't actually denied the accusation. "We are not stuck in your body, we're stuck in mine and you do not get to treat me like a ride at Disneyland. You do not get to jump on board any time you like!"

"McKay, trust me, I am not going to jump you," Laura drawls and the scientist activates the shower in an outraged huff. "Rodney, could you turn up the hot water?" she asks once they're under the spray. "I like a really hot shower."

McKay ignores her and deliberately turns the hot water down, rendering the spray lukewarm.

"That's real mature, Rodney," Laura complains as he picks up the bottle of her favourite vanilla-scented body wash, muttering about the lack of hypoallergenic liquid soap, and starts sudsing himself up as quickly as humanly possible. It's brusque and clinical and he refuses to look at himself as he goes about his business but one particular part of his anatomy twitches when it's touched and Laura jumps at the sensation.

"Oh my God, it moves on its own!" she exclaims and McKay sputters, nearly choking on water in mortified indignation. And it's stupid that she said that. Of course it moves on its own and she knew that – it's Biology 101, not to mention fundamental Sex Ed. But being on the other side of it? That's new. She's not accustomed to body parts moving without her express authority.

McKay's humiliation follows them through the drying process and Laura holds out an olive branch in the form of an offer to help him with his date with Katie. She's not surprised when he tries to throw it back in her face but Laura isn't prepared to back down on this one. If McKay goes it alone, he'll tank and they both know it even if he won't admit it. The man is a walking social faux pas.

Katie smiles warmly at McKay when he shows up and looks slightly puzzled by Carson's presence. It takes all of 2.5 seconds for Rodney to work out what has happened and he turns his annoyance inward.

"I'm going to get you back for this, Cadman," he growls under his breath as he takes his seat.

"I think we've established by now that I'm much more capable of punishing you than the other way around, Rodney," Laura snickers and laughs to herself when he fumes. "Don't frown at her!"

It all goes downhill from there as McKay starts shoving salad into his mouth without another word. Laura can only marvel at how much Katie must really like Rodney to be able to forgive his bad manners and awkward silences and inability to interact with her like a functional human being. She takes over for Rodney's own good, really.

It isn't the first time Laura's kissed a member of her own gender but it's the first time she's ever done it without enthusiastic adolescent shouts of 'Dude, lesbians! All RIGHT!' echoing in the background. Carson looks bewildered and Katie actually looks a bit breathless as Laura walks herself and McKay away from the dinner date. Laura takes a moment to feel smug. She's still got it, even in the body of a slightly squidgy scientist.

McKay is simmering with rage. It's only a matter of time before he explodes and all it takes is the incident with the blackened, smoking and very dead mice to push him over the edge. They're back in Heightmeyer's office, switching control every few seconds as they argue back and forth until they both short-circuit and wake up in the Infirmary.

"One of you has to release control," Heightmeyer tells them. "One of you has to let go completely."

Laura's not seeing any other option after witnessing the disaster with the mice, so she volunteers and McKay actually tries to talk her out of it. It surprises her and she decides in that moment that Rodney's really not that bad after all.

The thing is that she knows how valuable he is. Hell, she can feel the way his brain works in here, can see how fast he thinks, how quickly answers come to him. He's not lying about being a genius. Laura's smart and knows it but not in the same way.

As far as the Expedition is concerned, she's expendable. She's the redshirt, the monster-kibble Captain Kirk takes with him to get killed on strange planets. Besides, the guy thing? She's not really digging it. Sure, it's been weird and eye-opening and very Freaky Friday without there being an actual body swap involved but not something she wants to do full-time. She wants her own body back with its female body parts.

If they can't retrieve her body from the dart, Laura Cadman will be dead for all intents and purposes anyway. Seems a waste to drag McKay down with her. She's starting to see why his teammates like him so much despite his prickly demeanour. He never, ever gives up.

And he doesn't give up on Laura, even though he's made it clear he's not her number one fan. McKay rushes out of the infirmary bed after a stroke of brilliance and down to the hangar, building a system that he's sure will do the trick. Beckett, Sheppard and Weir all run in at the last moment, concern for McKay written across their faces.

It's a look Laura recognizes. She's been part of teams like that before where working together gradually evolved into something more like a family. A bond of brotherhood. Or sisterhood. She looks at Carson and knows what she's about to do next is probably going to scar Rodney forever but there's no way she's risking not doing it. She may never get another shot.

Laura kisses Carson, heedless of the fact that she's doing this in a male body and Carson looks absolutely flabbergasted when she finally releases him. It takes the good doctor a moment to catch up and realize that it hadn't been Rodney who'd planted one on him and by then McKay is back in control, mortified yet again.

Laura feels the tingle go through Rodney's body and prays that she'll wake up again as herself.


End file.
